Y! Music Weekly Music News Recap

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1. Lil’ Kim Busts Loose – The Queen Bee flies free after an early parole.
2. Nick & Jessica Newlydivorced – With papers now filed, the ex-Lacheys are officially back on the market.
3. Bono Demands “Answers” – The U2 mouthpiece wants you to tell him how to make poverty history.
4. Eminem Carries The Burden Of Proof – Shady launches a fundraising website for the family of his slain D12 crony.
5. Ozzy Osbourne Feels The Heat – Flames scorch the metal man’s mansion.
6. Dallas Does Dubai – Grammy-winning producer Dallas Austin is arrested on drug charges in the Middle East.
7. Ne-Yo Blasts K-Fed – Apparently Britney’s hubby makes the R&B singer so sick.
8. The Bitch Is Back – This time, cantankerous rocker Elton John is mad about the World Cup.
9. Never Can Say Goodbye – Michael Jackson’s many rambling answering-machine messages are played in open court.
10. Pete Doherty Gathers No Moss – She may have dumped him, but Babyshambles’ tabloid-baiting trainwreck of a singer says he’ll always love Kate.

Hello all, and welcome back to another installment of Top Events after what was hopefully a very enjoyable 4th of July. We know one person who certainly enjoyed her Independence Day: Lil’ Kim, who’s just been sprung from prison two months early for good behavior. (That has to be the first time the words “Lil’ Kim” and “good behavior” have ever appeared in the same sentence, by the way.) “She has accepted responsibility and handled herself in an exemplary manner,” said attorney L. Londell McMillan of his high-profile/maintenance client, making it glaringly obvious that neither he nor Kim’s parole officers ever watched her Countdown To Lockdown reality show on BET. Anyhoo, the notorious K.I.M. will still have to spend the next 30 days under house arrest, but surely she’ll do so in true Belle Mafia style, rocking the blingiest home-surveillance ankle bracelet Harry Winston has to offer. So welcome back, Kimmie. We missed ya so much we even put together a “Locked Up” Video Special to celebrate your triumphant return…

Speaking of freedom, onetime Newlyweds Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey filed their final walking papers this week–leaving them free to date the Adam Levines, Jared Letos, and Miss Kentuckys of the world out in the open, for all the paparazzi to see. And perhaps not coincidentally, oft-arrested, oft-inebriated, oft-incarcerated Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty is also suddenly single again, after his latest split from on/off gal pal Kate Moss.

Now, for the purpose of avoiding a nasty libel lawsuit, we want to state for the record that Pete Doherty and Jessica Simpson are NOT romantically involved. But for totally self-serving purposes, we do wholeheartedly encourage these two tabloid targets to shack up, pronto, as such a union would pretty much guarantee tons of juicy Top Events fodder for countless columns to come. And it most definitely would make for an awesome reality show, too (suggested title: Simpsonshambles). So we recommend Jessica get her well-manicured hands on this hot eligible bachelor before Kate comes to her senses and takes him back…

All right, time to wrap up, but do come back next Friday for more head-scratching, head-spinning headlines. Until then, goodnight, and good music.

Lyndsey Parker
Yahoo! Music